Someone yells "Duck!", and you look up and shout
"Where?"
Vacations are planned to maximize the number of
life birds.
You criticize television programs and commercials
that depict a bald eagle but play a red-tailed hawk call.
Your kids are named Buteo and Accipiter.
People stop and stare when you pish at the
shrubbery at the local mall.
Lunch breaks find you driving to check out your
favorite hot spot.
Your spouse says, "Its either me or the birds,"
and you have to think about it.
On sunny days you hop in the car, crank up your
tape of bird calls, and drive like crazy to the nearest mountain
where the thermals are great for soaring hawks.
You pay a neighbor kid $20 to roll on a carcass
and lay still while you search the sky for vultures.
You try to talk your kid into going to college in
Belize so that you have an excuse to go and bird there.
Its a northeaster, the rain is horizontal, a
small craft advisory has been issued, but it's birdathon and you
need to up the day's list.
Clouds take on the shape of birds, and you can
distinguish male from female, and adult from immature
plumage.
A machine squeaks at work and you describe it to
maintenance as sounding like a black-and-white warbler.
The first time you meet your future in-laws you
demonstrate the courtship dance of the woodcock, replete with
sound effects.
You spend fifteen minutes preparing dinner for
your family, and thirty minutes mixing and placing seed for your
birds.
You wake up your spouse at 5:30am and exclaim,
"Is that a phoebe I'm hearing outside the window?"
Preparing for trips to visit out-of-state
relatives involves contacting local birders, securing local bird
lists, and buying the appropriate Lane's Guide.
You identify calls of birds in the soundtracks of
television shows and movies.
You're willing to fight with anyone who
criticizes your optics.
You participate in hours-long discussions about
the pros and cons of using a certain field guide.
You lose friends, and perhaps even your spouse,
from fighting over the pronunciation of "pileated."
Answering "yes" to any of these questions
qualifies you as a birder.